What Now

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Ronica 1 year, 8 months ago.

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  • #1969

    In a bad place
    Participant

    I’v been married for 2 years now. Problem is that my husband is a heavy drinker (alcoholic). He  drinks every night after a hard day at work and over weekends he will just drink till he drops…problem is that before he drops he always manage to break stuff in the house. We have 2 children one 7 and the other 1 year. He will say to our 7 year old that she is naughty and must stay in her room, watch tv or go play, the little one is always (according to him) crying to much or to much trouble. He hardly does any thing with the kids or me. It feels like the only thing he ever wants to do is drink…I just couldn’t take it any more, so I left…I found a nice house for me and the kids and we have settled in nicely…now he wants to change, promised to stop drinking and and and…promises!!!..I told him if he starts counseling and taking meds to help with the alcohol problem I will consider moving back…He promised to do this, because he said he doesn’t want our kids growing up without a father…no appointments for counseling yet and no meds!

    What do I do, move back and give him another chance? or just leave him? I am so scared that this is just another false promise like all the other times after his drinking fits.

    The kids need stability and moving them into our own home without daddy was hard at first but they have adjusted well and seems happy. I asked my 7 year old how she would feel if we moved back or perhaps daddy moved in with us and she told me that I should know that he will not stop drinking. “It is always just beer, beer, beer” she said.

    So what now?

     

    #1972

    Kate
    Participant

    I can really relate to your problem my dear, as my husband is in the same place as yours is right now. He too drinks everyday. Although he does not get drunk every day his drinking changes his personality and he becomes angry. When that happens, I tend to keep away from him as do my children. My youngest who is 1 year old as well unfortunately does not understand, so I will have to physically remove her from where her dad is and go and play with her elsewhere.

    What I can say, is WELL DONE!! Well done for leaving and well done that you are doing it on your own and living a happier life for both you and your children. I unfortunately am not in a financial situation to be able to support myself and my children if I leave.

    I think if he shows and that he can prove that he has stopped drinking and started medication, I would give him another chance. But please, take things slowly. It would be far too easy for him to relapse. Don’t move back for at least a year once he has become sober. By all means, his children do need a dad, but he needs to prove that he is capable and is willing to be a good father to them and a good husband to you.

    If he shows good intentions, that would at least be a start somewhere. Perhaps suggest to him that he goes into rehab. They do wonderful things there. My husband a recovering drug addict he’s been clean for 6 years now. He did make that decision to go into rehab on his own accord though and I think that is what helped him leave the drugs. If he goes into rehab because he is forced into it – it won’t help  him at all. My husband has an addictive personality so he left the one and latched onto the other. Alcohol however is far more dangerous (in my opinion), as it is so easily accessible.

    Good luck, and I trust things will improve for you and your family :)

    #1973

    ansiew
    Participant

    You cannot put your children through this.  What happens to them now stays with them for the rest of their lives.   You owe it to yourself to be  happy and if you are happy without him, them stay where you are until he proves himself by going for counselling and taking the prescribed medication.   Just be careful that he does not fool you into thinking that he has changed and then move back to find that nothing has really changed and that he is still drinking.

    #1974

    satinites
    Participant

    I have been through exactly what you have gone through, i eventually divorced my husband after going back to him countless times because he promised to stop drinking and go to work, but each time it only lasted for a few days and he was back to the old ways.

    He was in rehab 4 times, but the day he came out he hit the bottle again, so much for trying to salvage the marriage, it took me 2 years to finally wake up and realise he would never change, the bottle is his companion.

    Advice to you, is cut him out your life and move on, cause you will keep on getting hurt and it will break you down till you have no confidence in yourself anymore, believe me i have been to hell and back with my ex.

     

    #1976

    Elise
    Participant

    Well done to you making the decision to move out. It’s the best decision you could have taken for your children’s sake. He won’t change over night and although he is saying that he will its not good enough. If he become destructive with the things in the house, who is saying he won’t take it out on the kids next time? I would suggest that he must proof to you that he has stopped drinking completely and that he is willing to start over again. The way you will see if he has really changed is by his behaviour and actions. He must first sort out his addictions on his own and once you are convinced it’s over than you can consider taking him back slowly. Allow him to visit for the first couple of months (I don’t mean move in, just visit for a day and leave again) and than after a year or at least 8 months you can consider taking him back. Don’t be in a rush for him to go for counseling or push him. He needs to acknowledge that he has a drinking problem and that he becomes aggressive when drunk, which means that he has anger management problems. Your children need to feel safe and secure and not be afraid of being around him and your daughter is at a age where she can see how he’s behaving towards them and that he’s irritated with them. So he will have to win over her trust as well and to make her feel safe around him.

    #2093

    Ronica
    Participant

    People who drink generally have underlying issues which cause behavioural changes when drinking/drunk and although counselling is the best option “to iron out matters” it is not always a long term solution. Funny thing is that these people are usually the best partners and fathers when sober and would never assume they they have an aggressive nature to them.

    This is what has worked for me:

    1. Open line of communication – try talk as much as possible during the day

    2. Establish the root of his/her anger

    3. Discuss it and see if there is anything that can be done about the underlying issues

    I am from an alcholic family and at one point I almost turned into one myself but when I got to see the photo’s of who I was when drunk, I felt very embarrassed and limited my drinking habits to occassions only. I talk about all the issues that bother me all the time be it work related or finances or even the cleaner at work who is not doing her job.

    Take video’s and photo’s of your partners, if this doesn’t crack them – then to counselling you go.

    hope this helps

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