Trouble in new marriage

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Tgirl 1 year, 4 months ago.

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    Hi guys,

    Have been married for 4 months. My hubby has a very low self esteem which he cant cotrol when drunk.  I earn more than him, stay in the house that i bought before we got married. I never wana make him feel less a man as i know how it could make him feel, nonetheless once in a while he drinks and tells me how disrespectful i am cos i have more money than him. My question to him, am i only disrespectig you when you have more than enough beers? The mornings he is apologising but i now feel that am tired with his behaviour. Doing the same things and apologising until when.  I am tired of the noise in the house for no apparent reason no matter how i try to avoid it. I feel it is low self esteem cos he will include my previous relationships, which he also thinks they were better thn him!! I never said that.

    I am really getting tired of this. I loved him as he is, less money than me, but this abuse is not what i barganed for.

    Any advise on how to deal with this situation? I do talk to him and as isay he will apologise and do it again after a while…



    You need to see a couseler and if it does not help, ditch him because it is not worth making your life hell.  You owe it to yourself to be happy.



    Tgirl, was once in a marriage like that. No amount of counseling will make him change unless if he tells himself that he is blessed with a woman who loves him despite the depth of his pocket. My advise to you is to be selfish and put yourself first. I stayed and had two kids and now divorced as it only got worse to a point whereby he was physical and told me what to wear. All the best girl



    Hi T, I believe when a person is drunk they say the things that they are afraid to raise when they are sober.  So you should discuss the issue with him when he is sober.

    secondly man have their pride, a man is suppose to be a provider and now you are sharing his role with him, he does not feel needed by you, because you can do more than he can do for you. As for the house i would advice for you to sell or rent out your house and buy another house that he can afford and be happy that atleast he can provide shelter for his wife.

    Also read the book “Fascinating womenhood”  it will help you to see things differently and might help save your marriage.






    Porn will clear this problem right up. Do naughty.



    Assure him through communication that he is the man in the house and tell him that he must not worry about who earns more. Assure him everyday and it will eventually sink in, if not then go for counselling.



    Porn won’t help :) Take him on a trip, have a good time and tell him to pay for the drinks! You will have a good time, take some time to have fun under the sheets and he will grow self esteem!!!

    Some inspiration ;)




    TGirl May I also advise you to look at the following websites for help…wwwrejoiceministries and



    Hey Tgirl. I wish there would be less people who always just suggests divorce as it if it the answer to everything, and they and give people ideas of what they tried 1st before realising nothing will change.

    Tgirl, people do change, marriage is not necessarily easy especially the 1st few years because you are starting a life with someone who is not your twin. Couselling helps a lot, if you dont want to go to your local church, do consult FAMSA. Never rush to getting a divorce before you have exhausted all options, the divorce process is more exhausting than dealing with issues. I understand that not everything can be fixed and divorce can be the answer but I believe your situation is one of those that can be worked on.

    I used to think he was at fault until we saw a councellor at Famsa and that is when I realised both of us were at fault and I was not even aware that Im pressing him down, You can start by not having 2 salaries and treating your marriage as a business. Month end you put the salaries together and you dont pay for the house, and he buys groceries. You put his 10k and your 25k together and 8k goes to the house and 2k to groceries etc, but not from him or you, but from our money.

    Never use the words “MY” especially with assets. After 3 years of fighting over money and almost getting a divorce, I realised that it the best way to deal with it is to never make him feel it, and we women do have those tendencies to make them feel that we make more than them, We decide on buying a bedroom suit or a new sofa, and we tell me, I am thinking of buying a sofa, whereas it is as easy as, I think our sofas are getting old, do you think it is a good idea that we budget for new couches?

    It  is at a point where now, it has become a big part of our lives that anything above 300 we ask each other, my husband will stand infront of a dvd shop and call me and ask if he could buy 2 DVDs. And I do the same, Its no longer about the “head needs respect”  its about working as a team and making sure one doesnt make decisions that will affect both of us without discussing it with the other one 1st. Regardless of who earns more.



    @ Challotte, thanks for this…am ticking, taking notes for my marriage:-) . Makes so much sense, I always wondered how I would do it if I was in TGirl’s situation.



    I think, you should do proper communication with him. Proper explanation filled with warning mixed with request like you will no more able to continue this relationship if the same things will continue.

    Tell him that you love him so much and you cant see your married life getting spoiled owing to his drinking habits. Just give him more love, love is the medicine of most of the ailments.



    Thank you all… we are celebrating our 1st year anniversary end of September. All I can say is our relationship is much better, in fact it is good!! Thank God for that. I cant even remember when last did we had a nasty arguments (like before). And this does not mean we don’t disagree, we do, but in a more matured way. For the money side… we did change some debit orders to go through from his account, that helped so much!!

    I am praying so much cos I didn’t get married to be a stats of divorce… I pray to grow old with him… to sit together and not say a word, but still feel the love… I used to think it is only in the movies, I was wrong… there is real love after all!!

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