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This topic contains 34 replies, has 24 voices, and was last updated by  nommy 1 year, 10 months ago.

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    Last night i saw a pictur of a nked woman on my husband’s phone. upon close inspection i noticed that the picture was actually taken on my bed, in my house, in the bed where we sleep in. i knew about the affair a couple of months ago and we are trying to deal with it. i cannot confirm for sure that the affiar is over though. i am still having difficulty dealing with it cos each time we make love, i think about it. the picture was sent two days ago by this woman to my husband’s fone.  this has just added salt to the wounds cos i was not aware that he was actually slepping with her in my own house. i was in the process of letting it go but this has just taken me 100 steps back. he says the girl is stalking him. i reaaly don’t know how to deal with this new developments, please help. i do love him, but not like i used to. i don’t think i ever will. i was willing to accept that it happened, but sleeping in my own bed, with my sheets and i bet i washed them as well unknowingly. i was actually sleeping in the same duvet on the piture last night wen i saw it, i felt like vomiting. please help… do i handle this.



    Hi Poppy – I can’t pretend to know the answer, but I did just want to let you know that I feel for you and am wishing you a lot of strength. I would say maybe you and your husband need to get some counselling from Famsa or someone like that, because this thing is not resolved at all. All the best.



    carol< i am at work now and i just hold back the tears. i really don’t know how to deal with all these. we had our traditional wedding last year and i am planning our white/western wedding for May next year. i am so confused, part of me want to cancel the whole thing



    Poppy, I am really sorry to hear this. I don’t know how I will deal with it. I will most likely burn those bedding and buy new ones for a start. Also I will not sleep with him anymore.

    The trust will be totally broken and for me you cannot built on a relationship if there is no trust.

    Is there any kids?



    no kids yet. had a miscarriage last month due to this stress. I just came back from work and threw away the sheets. To know that was sleeping in them all along  not knowing!! the trust is completely gone. I feel like dying right now,cant stop crying.



    hi poppy,i can imagin your pain.

    don know whether this site is for women only or what bt hey,m a guy. was cheated on by my girlfriend of 4 yrs.

    its the betrayal that cuts deep,and what makes it worse is that u had made a comittment to this person (marriage).

    walking away from that is extremely hard,staying can also make you miserable.i would suggest that you give yourself a break,think about what you want,your values,what makes you the kind of person that u are,

    then you take it from there. i know it feels like the world is crushing down on u,but take your time to recover. dont feel the pressure of trying to get a solution by 2moro,it comes with time and time also brings strength. so at the end of the day,what you do should be something that makes you a better person.



    @Magenta – This forum is not only for women, in fact we like it when both men and women comment, as we get different perspectives from each person. Thanks for sharing your story.



    Hi Poppy, i was in the exact same situation, and keeping things bottled up nearly sent me over the edge. In the end i found myself blurting it out at a family gathering…as embarrasing as it was it certainly took the edge off. After numerous talks with both families he apologised and we carried on, but it was never the same. I found he still is in contact with the woman and i have since not been with him physically and am iemotionally divorced from him. Now i’m also living my life and seeing someone too and i’m not ashamed to hide it, i rub it in his face. He is now under sever depression and wants a divorce which i am more than willing to give to him. I think you know what to do but your just scared. Good luck



    Hi Poppy,

    My personal opinion…if you don’t have kids with this guy, leave him. If he did it once, he will do it again. It is not like it was a 1 nights stand and heat of the moment or alcohol to blame. This guy betrade you more than once and the fact that he did it in your house should show you how little he respects you and your relationship. Leave him, he is not worth it. You deserve better. You deserve a real man and real love. It will not change. He will just do it in more secrecy. Better now, than to go through years of pain only to leave him in 5 years time or when there are kids. The fact that he had the audacity to take naked pictures of his mistress in your home, in your room on your bed…that just tells me this was not the first and will not be the last and he did not care for the consequences.  Save yourself years of wondering and suffering. leave him now. You WILL find love again. Good luck and I am sorry for your pain.




    Hi Poppy,

    I really do feel your pain!

    My little story…….married for 6 years, had a baby girl in our 2nd year of marriage. While going through the divorce my lawyer request we do a DNA test (due to her crazy child maintenance requests) we find out that the child is not mine! Now wife (divorce still not final) is in a pickle, she can’t really go to a guy she had a fling with about 4 year ago and say ‘by the way here is your child’………and the stigma attached to this is massive for her, she works in a high profile job, her father has a leadership position in his region. From a cultural point what happens to the thousands I paid for lobola??



    The best advice I can give you is to get out of this relationship and get out now. Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater…  and the fact that he hasn’t told this woman to get lost just prioves that he hasn’t cut all ties with her.

    Tell him to take his stuff and get out. AHe needs to prove you that he is serious about you and your relationship and if he can’t or won’t then he must go.

    You need to think about yourself in this situation. Are you willing to forgive him and will you be able to rebuild that trust that has been broken? if there is any doubt then don’t do it.

    Rather be unhappy for a short time now and heal your heart and find true love again then subject yourself to years of unhappiness and mistrust.

    I am speaking from experience. (hugs)




    Hi Poppy

    I am so sorry that this happened. I pray that god give you the strength to get through this. This breaks you as a person and brings down your self esteem. But you need to stand up tall and be strong. Remember he is the looser for cheating on you. As much as this may hurt but let him know that you going to be strong and move on. Somtimes men feel that what ever they may do woman will except it. I guess with som woman because we are so emaotionally attached it makes it very difficult. But i say get out, leave him and you lucky you do not have kids. you desserver so much better and somone that can respect you for who you are, repect your home and repect your title in their life. If he sees yopu strong and dealing with this it will get to him because he probably took you for granted and thought you would never leave as a result wanted a wife and mistress so that he could have the best of both. Remember you desserver only the best.

    Good luck my prayers are with you.



    Hi Poppy

    Im sorry this happened to you its the worst thing that can ever happen in any marriage, but you have to ask yourself the question if you really want to stay with this man he clearly broke your heart by touching another women and your trust. if both of you are sure of working through this counselling is the only option, because at the moment what you feeling is not healthy for you. God bless you and i hope you make the right decision for yourself!!! No man is worth a woman’s tears!!!



    hi guys. I read all ur advises and really appreciate it. the affair took place about 6 months ago. The picture was sent via mms to his fone. we went over to her house and was shocked to find out that she passed away a month ago. The question now is who sent the picture to his fone and why?  he claim that he did not know that she was taking fotos..  it does not channge the fact that she was in my bed. he suspects the mistress’s friend sent the foto cos hcos she has a thing for him. this whole thing makes me sick. I feel so drty now.



    Surely, as this is our culture, isn’t it the normal thing?

    Have we Westernised now?

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